Karma?

Mungkin ini yang namanya karma. Gue frontal aja. Satu orang ini, entah apa alesannya, gue bisa sayang se sayang-sayangnya. Mungkin malah lebih besar rasa sayang gue ini daripada sama mantan gue. Gak tau juga, padahal waktu pertama kali gue mulai sayang sama dia, dia masih punya cewe. Tapi anehnya, gue gak pernah bisa stop loving this guy no matter what. Nah sekarang, dia udah putus sama cewenya. Kalo orang yang gak tau apa-apa tentang cerita gue, mungkin bakal bilang "Lu harusnya seneng dong woi dia udah putus!", "Udah, tancep gas aja. Udah single ini" dan segala macem lainnya. Tapi entah kenapa juga, gue gak bisa seneng. Walaupun secara status dia udah gak sama cewenya sekarang, tapi tetep aja hatinya masih kesono. Tapi gak tau kenapa juga, gak tau juga kalo gue keGRan, suddenly si cowo mulai ngerespon gue. Tapi emang dasarnya gue orangnya kepo pangkat stalker, jadi gue tau ada isu-isu dia lagi di gosipin sama salah satu cewe di kampusnya. Gue gak ambil pusing, orang dia bukan cowo gue dan gue juga gak ambil pusing sama mantannya si cowo, karena dia juga udah gak pernah bahas-bahas lagi didepan gue. Lama-lama isu tentang si cewe kampus juga gak kedengeran lagi.

Anehnya, gue malah makin sayang sama dia. semakin dan semakin dan semakin. Makin bangga juga. Gue tau sih, dia bukan siapa-siapa gue. Tapi gue bangga aja, bingung kan? Sama. Gue juga gak tau kenapa gue bisa bangga sama dia. Tapi gue bangga banget, yah anggeplah jadi sahabatnya. Tapi anehnya lagi, gak tau juga kenapa, gue ngerasa gue cukup dengan begini aja. Dengan segala perhatian blablabla yang udah gue kasih ke dia, gue anggep aja sebagai buat kepuasan gue sendiri. Gue jadiin pengalaman. Tapi bohong kalo gue bilang, "Gak ada perasaan pengen di bales sama sekali". Bohong banget. Well, I'm not a very good liar. Jadi gue bilang aja, gue sedih gara-gara 2 hari ini, dia tiba-tiba aneh banget sama gue. Gak tau cuma sama gue, ato sama semua. Tapi gue berasanya dia beda. Ditanya kenapa, bilangnya gak apa-apa. Tapi beda. Gue juga gak bisa jelasin kenapa beda, tapi pokoknya beda. 

Gimana ya? Gue juga bingung sebenernya. Orang-orang banyak yang bilang "Gak mungkin lah dia gak ada perasaan apa-apa sama lu", tapi gue gak tau aja. Gue gak mau ngejadiin omongan mereka malah bikin gue berharap-harap gak jelas. Jadi gue antepin aja kan, dan sejauh ini, gue udah berusaha setengah mati buat ngejadiin dia "pelampiasan" perasaan sayang gue ini. Gue kasih dia perhatian sebisa gue, gue peduli sama dia  tapi ya udah, titik. Nothing more, nothing less. Gue gak berharap kembali. No. Gue sadar banget, namanya perasaan gak bisa di paksain, gue gak mungkin juga maksain dia buat jadi sayang sama gue, ya kan? Tapi gue juga gak bisa ngebuat perasaan gue ini berubah dan gue gak tau alesannya apa. I just do. That's it.

Hubungannya sama karma? Hmm..Gue pernah post di blog gue sebelumnya, I dumped my ex boyfriend for this new guy. I'm not blaming them. I blame myself for making a stupid decision for a temporary feelings. Tapi ya, yaudah. Mau gimana lagi. Udah kejadian. Jadiin pelajaran aja. Ya gak? Sampe sekarang, susah siih memang buat "let it flow", tapi gue sok-sok ngeyakinin diri aja. I'm a tough girl :)

and I love you, Boy. I love you.

Too Late...

I know it's too late..
I know it's useless..
everybody is telling me that I'm strong enough to face this..
alone..

everybody tells me to move on..
everybody cheers me up..
everybody believe that I'm tough..
but I don't..

I'm all alone, here..
pretending like I'm ok..
when I'm actually not..
laughing in front of people, but crying behind them..

I know I made mistakes..
and regret that..
I am terribly sorry..
I miss you and I need you..

there's no word to describe much pain that I feel now..
I just want you to know that I am sorry..
I hope that you might open your heart, someday..
just open it, and I'll come to you..

I am sorry, Ney..

Regretness

Here is the situation..

I dumped a guy, to whom I gave my whole heart..

But then suddenly, I made a mistake..

No, actually 4 mistakes..

But that guy always forgives me..

Now, stupid me..

I made my 5th mistake..

This time that guy wont forgive me..

I regret this..

Even more than before..

But it's too late..

Selfish girl like me can't get him again..

I don't know maybe this is what people call Karma..

I dumped him with all of his kindness..

And so when I realize that I need him..

I lost him already, like maybe forever..

I'm sorry, Ney..

-by: Tessa. 26/01/2013; 7:59; multimedia room-

Hati Dan Otak

hati bilang iya, otak bilang jangan..

hati bilang lanjut, otak bilang stop..

hati bilang bener, otak bilang salah..

hati bilang baik, otak bilang brengsek..

hati bilang wajar, otak bilang GILA!

hati bilang seneng, otak bilang "gak seharusnya lu seneng"..

otak sama hati gak pernah sejalan..

selalu bertentangan..

tapi ending2nya gue selalu ngikutin hati gue..

yang lagi-lagi, menurut otak gue itu salah..

cape.

maybe...

maybe I'm insane..
maybe I'm out of my mind..
maybe this is stupid..

but I think it's the best way I could ever do..
WE could ever do..

Painful Love

I love you

you know that, exactly

it hurts when you're with her, indeed

it hurts when you start to talk about her

it hurts when you start to "compare"

it hurts when you're seems so proud of her

it hurts when i see you text her

it hurts when i see your display picture with her

it hurts when you put her name on your status

it hurts when i know you spend your time and your family's holiday with her

it hurts when i realize that you both were super close

it hurts when i see your eyes while saying her name

i don't know,

but it hurts me more when you start to ignore me...

it hurts me the worst

you might don't understand how it feels

you never felt this kind of pain, huh?

you never really understood how i feel about you

you never really cared for me

you never really thought that i existed

i'm nothing to you, right?

just a girl, hip hop dancer that dances with you

just a little girl that know nothing about love

just a little girl that can't truly accept the truth

that you love her so much

yeah i think i don't really understand what love is

since i feel that this love is this painful,

when i used to think love supposed to be something beautiful

Love, Painful..?

"Love isn't painful. Loving the wrong person is."

badluck days

singkat cerita aja, entah kenapa pokoknya gue lagi apes-mode-on banget 2 hari ini.

Kamis, 15 November 2012
hari ini, gue ke teko sama Ami. rencananya, si Ami mau minta tolong gue belajar mandarin. walaupun gue masih abu-abu juga soal mandarin, at least gue ada basic nya. nah, entah gimana ceritanya pokoknya gue sama Ami sama sekali gak ninggalin kursi gue duduk. tapi laptop gue bisa ilang. dan begonya, kita baru sadar setelah mau pulang. jadilah kita panik dan muter-muter teko buat nyari orang yang kira-kira ngambil. tapi nihil. ya iyalah ya, kalo abis ngambil pasti langsung cabut orangnya. sampe rumah, gue abis di omelin bokap nyokap :(

Jumat, 16 November 2012
hari ini, dengan perasaan masih bersalah gara-gara laptop ilang, gue ke sekolah. abis itu pulang sekolah langsung ke o2, dan mulai jait menjait kostum LED. lagi tenang-tenangnya ngejait, tangan gue ke tusuk jarum. tapi gak berdarah, cuma nyut-nyutan, jadinya gue lanjut ngejait lagi kan. belom kelar semuanya, gue pegel kan, jadi di gantiin sama Angie. nah, terus gue ke bawah, rencananya mau bantuin bikin peti kecil, pas lagi nge cutter bahannya, tangan gue kena, kali ini berdarah. yaah, abis itu gue cuci, terus lanjut lagi. nah pas malemnya gue latian final battle kan. ada adegan dimana gue harusnya ngeroll-back tapi di punggung Angie. tapi karena beberapa kesalahan teknik yang gue juga gak ngerti begimana. gue nyungsep ke belakang. pertamanya yang kena itu kepala duluan. abis itu menyusul lutut gue yang ngebentok idung gue. seketika mimisan ngocor. gue panik ngeliat darah seger ngegenang begitu. lemes seketika. setelah idung kelar gak ngocor, gue ngebersihin bentar. abis itu duduk dulu berapa lama. terus lama-lama berasa kepalanya kaya kenceng gitu. terus berasa idungnya kaya bengep. tapi gak gitu sakit. abis itu gue lanjut latian. pas sampe rumah dan mau cuci muka, baru berasa ni idung bengkak. jadi mesti super pelan deh kalo mau cuci muka. apes bener, apes :(

gokilnya, anak-anak masih sempet-sempetnya fotoin darah gue LOL

Hurt

Knowing that you're someone else's, it hurts me.

Remembering about our memories.

How you've been treated me before, and now.

It's like a huge difference.

Well, actually I don't know if it's just me that being sensitive.

But it hurts me tough.

Even when I saw you're texting to someone I don't know, it hurts me.

I don't understand what's wrong with me.

This feeling I can't deny.

This situation I don't understand.

It's just being too complicated for me.

You might just say "let it flow".

And even myself wants to let it flow.

But my heart just can't.

You know, I did try my best not love you.

Just to accept you as my brother.

But see, everytime I try, it makes me sad.

Yes, I try to hide it from you.

You don't have to know that I'm hurt.

I want you to be happy.

But I don't know, do I have to hurt myself to make you happy?

Once they said, "love is when you're happy to see someone that you love is happy".

Well, I don't even know if you're happy with this kind of situation.

I want to read your mind so bad.

So I will had a clue about what I'm supposed to do.

Dear darling, brother, bestfriend.

I'm sorry that I can't deny this feeling.

I can't even control it.

I'm so sorry, if my feeling puts you in troubles.

Just tell me what to do, and I'll try my best to do it.

I'll try.

But I don't know if I can.

I know, I don't know, I never know..

I know this thing is going to happen.
I know that you'll have to choose, someday.
I know that love doesn't work this way.

I don't know if it's going to happen this fast.
I don't know if you're going to be here forever.
I don't know if you're going to be around.

I never know that it's going to be so tough for me.
I never know that this is going to be too painful.
I never know that you'll care this much.
I never know that I'll love you this much.